Brokenhearted After Rejection

Hey be careful. The existence of broken heart syndrome makes it even more critical for you to figure out what is going inside your head and heart so you do not wreck your mental and physical health.

If you feel you can go it alone in your recovery process, meaning you do not feel you need to seek out professional assistance with coping with rejection, then try to educate yourself on what you are seeing, thinking, and feeling right now.

Just to give a quick overview:

There are 7 stages to grieving the loss of a love one through a breakup — and this is what you are experiencing — loss over rejection. This is important to distinguish because when you say ‘rejection’ your ego becomes entangled with the experience of ‘loss’ and grieving.

Seven stages look like this (skip to three):

1. Search for information and answers about why this has happened. You may not be fully aware of why things are ending. You need answers, and feel it is the only way you can move on.

2. Rejection or denial since you avoid believing this is actually happening. It is probably important to drop in shock here as well. You might even start to think, “Why is this happening to me!” But this falls in the same area of denial, disbelief and nonacceptance of the event.

3. Trying to sell your soul. It sounds severe, but this stage is severe. You are bargaining, negotiating, and willing to do just about anything to keep your relationship alive and your partner in love with you. Even worse, deep down inside, you feel your own desperation, especially if you know there is no chance to get the person back. Or if you did get them to stay, you would be living on borrowed time. You know it’s over, you can’t move on, but you can’t let go. You do not want to let go. You do not want the life you had to change, even if things were falling apart and you generally felt crappy most of the time. Even if you know you partner didn’t really love you and it’s better to move on, you just don’t want to let go yet. You are not ready yet. You need more time to figure things out. You need more time to ‘let yourself’ understand what is happening so you can slowly let go and move on. This is probably where you catch that feeling of the pain of the emotional rejection being harder to cope with than physical pain.

Your ego is under attack. You feel like you are not good enough. You feel like why doesn’t she/he love me anymore. You feel like will anyone ever love me. You start to question everything about your person, how you look, how you express yourself, how you think, if you are lovable, hell you may even question how you smell and if you pheromones are damaging your prospects for finding a long term partner.

Imagine how you think right now as physical. Thoughts are intangible. You cannot hold a thought in your physical hand. However, your thoughts are acting as physical punches. You are mentally torturing yourself right now, and to a certain extent, this is a typical response to feelings of rejection. Feelings of rejection as feelings of pain. Try to reword the question:

Why is the emotional pain worse than the physical pain? Because you are hurt about someone refusing to continue to be in a partnership with you.

Let’s go again, new question:

Why do I feel like I am in emotional and physical pain due to the loss of my love interest/relationship/career/? Because something is happening that — seems undesirable, is an affront to your value and worth (ego), will force you to change your plans and make new plans for yourself (future), causes you to feel like you don’t want to deal with (change).

Let’s go again:

But why do I feel so bad, I can’t sleep, eat or think straight. If only things could be how they were, then I would be okay. You are feeling bad emotionally and physically, (emotions are mental) because something is happening where you lack control, you are being confronted with change, you are missing what was (the former relationship and partner), you are attacking yourself in some capacity (mental ruminations of the past and feelings of loss).

Let’s get back to the stages of loss and grieving a former relationship:

4. You try to get back to the other person. It is like a drug addict in relapse. Don’t forget all kinds of natural hormones in the brain are governing this situation and emotions of love — neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline will rule right now. You need a fix comparable to an addict. You feel and believe (emotions/mental) contact with the person is the be all and end all.

5. Oh f*ck, it didn’t work. You are mad and angry that whatever you tried, or even if you did nothing at all, you are not back with your former partner. You are mad that things are over. You can probably start to feel that there is no way back. This makes you even angrier. If you tried to get back together and stooped to begging, and it didn’t work, you will feel embarrassed and feelings of shame will turn in fierce anger. It’s okay, you are healing and these are positive steps forward. This is the area where many feel like taking revenge and talk about karma. Karma is always in play, but don’t do anything to try to take revenge, you will regret it.

6/7. Acceptance and redirection of your hope and faith are the last two steps to recovery.

Let the pain flow, mental (emotions) and physical. Look for outlets to express the pain in physical activities (punch bags not yourself), or art, and music. It takes time and eventually the pain will subside and eventually fade.

You can catch me throwing cards and coaching those suffering from loss of love partners at Rising Vibrations

Or if you like the explanation you can take at look at my book A Fierce Bitch's Guide™

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